I had a dream about my grandmother a few nights ago... I dreamed I was back in Moffat and talking to my grandpa or something ... like I was back home and living there... and then I became aware that she was there and the place was as it used to be when she was happy and healthy... bright, clean, home, full of music. I started to hug her and then cry a lot and tell her that when she died I fell apart and that she can't/couldn't/mustn't die again, that she can't leave me.... she said that I really did fall apart when she died (which kind of hurt my feelings and my ego which apparently even appears in my dreams) and then I told her I couldn't live without her and I started cleaning the house lol like if I kept it clean for her then she wouldn't die. But while I was cleaning and cleaning, she still died again... and I looked at her lying on her bed in her bedroom all peaceful like and then I fell apart again on the inside and promptly woke up. Kinda sucked but it was nice to hug her and see her in my dreams, so there's that.
After that dream I became intensely aware of my attachments, my ego, my future and my past.... my feelings... the manifestations of which are subconsciously playing my body like it's a musical instrument. I've been sitting with it now for a few days... letting it unfold in it's own special way... watching it all.
This leads me to another thought and subject... attachments... the ego.... desires:
I came across an interesting article by Paulo Coelho today... you know, the famous author of the classic book, "The Alchemist". In the article he quotes and transcribes work from Carlos Castaneda... and following are some of what he complied in the article featured in Ode Magazine.
Energy is the search for freedom
To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle.
The energy of silence
When we are quiet, we realize someone (or something) is trying to teach us. Whenever we manage to stop our inner dialogue, something extraordinary happens in our lives. We discover things we never thought of consciously but are there ready to help us. So the really difficult part is managing to attain silence -- our head is always filled with songs, lists, things to do, worries, news in the papers and mathematical calculations of our financial possibilities. If we manage to stop this useless flow of reflections that leads us nowhere, then everything becomes possible.
If you haven't had a chance to read this quintessential modern day classic definitely pick it up. Its a quick but delightful read regarding the 'hero's journey'.
When pondering my own journey, inspired by The Alchemist, I've come to the realization that there's really no need to seek out so much. In the last several months I've been experimenting, researching other practices, but then in the end... I wonder why? When I think back to when I began the practice of Ashtanga Yoga, in truth, it found me, I didn't find it. So, there it commenced... my journey within the confines of this challenging path embarked. Why do I need to seek out more?
The ego feeds on wanting more, and more.
I remember when I initially stumbled upon my first Ashtanga Yoga class... subtlety, I was blown away. In an instant I knew this was for me... and, it radically changed my life, and perspective. Of course, the longer one practices asana it becomes only a small part of the journey. So, I've come to a place where my daily Ashtanga Vinyasa practice and Yoga Sutra study is enough. They both go hand in hand... and geesh... studying, practicing, contemplating the Yoga Sutras alone is a task in itself. And, if something comes along, and presents itself to me, chiding me to pursue it, then so be it. However, presently, what is right in front of me, at this moment, is enough... its more important that I delve deeply into one practice vs. skimming the surface of several other practices... and well, isn't it true that at the bottom of every well there is the same Truth anyway? And, isn't it enough that I continue to listen to my own inner voice while implementing the tools already present? Its time to continue digging this well, and honestly, its the deepest well I've dug thus far... why look anywhere else? And, its not really about having a narrow minded focus... but, the way I see it... like I have said before... if something comes along and finds me, then I'll be open to it... until then... I'm perfectly happy with what's before me...