NOW... I rise at 3:30 a.m. and go strong until 10:40 p.m with no naps and high spirits... Usually around 12 p.m. in the afternoons I've accomplished so much... and by 4:00 p.m. I wish the sun would go down so that I could feel good about going to sleep early (because it would be dark) and because I've almost nothing to do that I haven't already done that day to entertain myself while I wait for a yoga class to start usually around 5:30 p.m. ... So yeah... I pondered that last night... I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but my sleep was deep and dreamless... I usually always dream, but over the past 4 days I haven't at all.
This morning my alarm went off at 3:30 a.m. and my mind woke up alert... but my body felt tired. I felt like there was a weight pressing on my upper body, especially on my chest area. I almost decided to go back to sleep for 10 minutes... but instead rolled out of bed and did my usual routine. I was finished 10 minutes sooner than usual. In sadhana... while everyone was in the garden doing their cleansings (I had done mine at home)... I tried to come up into a handstand a few times, just to check in with how tired my body actually was. I was unable to hold my handstand so I came back onto my knees and came into childs pose (balasana). I realized at that moment that I had developed a fear and I had two choices.
My fear was that I would be too weak in my body, too tired to practice fully this morning... too tired to hold Bhujangasana (cobra)... too tired to drop fully into a lunge... all of these fears kind of rolled around in my brain for a quick second. I also feared that due to my lack of ability to do those things, that I would become angry or foul tempered.
I realized I had two choices. I could choose to judge myself, manifesting an even weaker state of mind and body... I could not try as hard and I could become foul in mood and spirit... OR
I could breathe. I could stretch some while I waited for everyone to return. I could do the beginning portion of the flow I built for my first class tomorrow at Sedona Hot Yoga... I could smile... So I came onto my knees and placed my ajna chakra on the floor in front of me... I wrapped my hands behind my back, binding them and then I rested them onto my sacrum. I inhaled deeply and as I exhaled I released all those fears I had, through my third eye and into our mother earth... I did this for a few breaths and then I came up into Marjaryasana (cat/cow)... I woke up my spine, inhaling and exhaling deeply... I spent some time on my core... and I came into downward dog, plank, chaturanga, cobra... back and forth... flowing... slowly waking up my body and mind... becoming stronger...
My thoughts that I previously had... about how I felt, "Was I weak or strong?" faded from my mind and when my teacher came back into the room and prepared us for chanting and meditation and surya namaskara... I had totally moved on from my fears... and at the very end of my practice I realized this as the truth and I was grateful... my practice was amazing.
I believe... our mind is so powerful... I believe that by deciding to feel a certain way, I felt it... I realized that I in fact did not, "feel tired", I did not "feel grouchy" and I did not "feel fear", but in fact I was merely experiencing the feeling of being tired... that I was merely experiencing the feeling of fear and that I was not in fact fear... or tired. I didn't attach myself to those words, to those feelings... and like everything in this world... I changed... Nothing is permanent... everything is temporary.
It's been another beautiful morning. I love you.